Late night thoughts

This my first time writing a blog. I used to think i was a good person. I'm listening to Kitaro's Silk Road wondering what went wrong with my life. I am married with three children who loved me but are now lost. I've left them for another woman who made me feel loved and more happiness than I've ever felt. I really do love this woman but in order to attain her love I had to totally turn my kids life upside down.

I have a wonderful little girl who is 12 and a very brilliant son who is 10. I also have an autistic little boy who is 5 that who doesn't understand why I'm not there for him like I used to be. I ask myself how I could let what I wanted in life totally destroy their whole world. I wish I had the strength I thought I would always have to be the best father in the world. That's what they always called me.

I have failed them and it makes me feel like no matter what happens now I've already failed in life and have let them down in the worst way. They are so innocent in this and they used to look at me to protect them and now I've become the enemy. I look back on the last 8 months and wonder how a life with this woman could make me do something so bad to my own children. there really is no excuse or justification for what I've done. And that gets to my question.

Has anyone ever felt like they have lived their life only to find that they have made it impossible for anything to be ok again?

I know time heals all wounds, or so they say, but maybe some wounds can't be healed. It's getting late and I have work I've put off and have a very busy day at work tommorrow. I need sleep but thats getting to be not always an easy thing to achieve.

I keep thinking of how my little babies can sleep at night during all they're going through. My own selfish wants and needs and they had nothing to do with any of those. I need to try and sleep and get ready for friday but that does'nt make me feel happy or good anymore.

I really just hope that somehow I will find a way for everything to be ok with my children and whats left of my life. Life is what you make it I guess but then you look at it and say "When did I want my life to be this?"

I still have hope that things will somehow find a way to be ok but thats really starting to fade. I don't enjoy many things I used to and I don't know if I'll ever get that back. Maybe I don't deserve to.

Thanks for listening,

Val